I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
