hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
