remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
