this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize