we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
