i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
