I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Four minutes until I can fart!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
