he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
