you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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