I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
