You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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