wrigley field is MILF paradise
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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