Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
