i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
time to smoke my breakfast
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
