Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
