Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
