When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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