i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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