he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
