We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
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Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
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THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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