Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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