sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Send help, water and tortillas.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
