then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
