I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
