I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
My liver just had a heart attack.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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