You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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