well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
