My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
