lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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