I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
