My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you inspire me to be a worse person
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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