this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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