She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
