just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
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