My hand turned me down
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
