I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm bleeding and have questions
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