i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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