i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
