I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
