she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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