sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
