my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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