Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
People in love make me want to vomit
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
