Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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