the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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