I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
