I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Found your dick twin last night
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
