i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
