I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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