I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
