Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
