hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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