Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
