come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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