I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
