what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
