Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
