allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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